Finding my own answer

It was asked in a group on fetlife the other day "what does it look like"

Meaning what does the dynamic you have or want look like. That's a question I've never been able to answer. I am not sure what I want our "end result" to look like. What I want out goal dynamic to be. Even in the beginning things I thought I would never want, I now do want. Things I thought I did want I don't. I just can't put it into words what I do want. I know I want Sir to to have control of our dynamic and where we go with it. But I am pretty sure I want more then He does. He wants the sex part only. To be honest, I think I want more, but I also know I will fight that sub consciously. 

So I am sticking to "at the moment" what I want right now. 

I am confused by my own actions last night and between this topic already being on my mind and last night, I am thinking that what I want in right this moment, is for Him to tell me what WE want. I want Him to take charge and have BOTH of our wants/needs in the front of his mind. He does great at this, a lot of the time. Giving me exactly what I need at the right time, sometimes even at the cost of what He wants. Maybe what I want is for Him to be the one with the goal and the plan to get us there. 

Last night He wanted a blow job, right after watching a show on tv. 

I balked at it, I am not sure why. My theories however, are 

A. I was not "in the mood" which would be my issue, not His. I need to remember to suck it up and get into it anyway. Which after a few minutes I would be in the mood and happy I was doing it... 

B. I might have just been testing Him. To see what He would do if I did say No. He did tell me He still wants me to have opinions and let Him in on them. (Which is why I believe He didn't push, and make me do it)

 C. I am still a little sick and Bj's are really rough on me atm, I have a hard time breathing and my throat is already pretty sore. I was wishing last night He had thought of that and started play another way. Had I been sure that yes He realized how giving head affected me at the moment, and still wanted it, then I feel like I would have done it without argument. Why is that!? I'm not sure. I am ok with Him intentionally making me uncomfortable but not unintentionally. Which is what I think was happening last night. 

Maybe I am wrong though. Maybe He did know and was wanting it despite the discomfort it would cause. I do seen to have an issue trusting Him to know what He is doing. Probably because I'm never let in on His thoughts/plans. He does put some thought into what He does with me, and tests my will power, strength, and boundaries. He just does not let me in on those unless I ask the specific questions. I wish I knew if that was also intentional or not....

This probably sounds like a jumbled mess to anyone reading. But it did help me. 

I am starting to get a clearer picture of "what it looks like" now and what I may want it to look like in the future. And I have reminded myself to trust Him, and to voice my concerns when I have them. 

What a WUSS!

Sorry it has been a few weeks since a new post came out, our lives have been getting in the way of our play time. Sir is still "warming up" to His role and gets more and more comfortable with it every day, but there has not been too much going on that anyone might wanna read about ;)

I'm gonna pre req this by going back to before we left for vacation, Sir was waiting on me to "get ready" for him one night an apparently I gave him too much time near my craft table. He fashioned a fun toy out of 2 clothespins, some thin rope and a heavy pad lock in the center for weight. Plus a line of rope to be clenched in between my teeth. He attached the pins to my nipples and tied his damndest to make me drop the rope i was biting. But I am a jaw clencher, so I won my 1st round of light predicament bondage. (and will probably regret that brag!) But I am game for more!

Our vacation was a bit too full of, people, to have much to write about, but Sir found stolen moments on long, or short, drives to torture me a bit, and push my exhibitionist side out of hiding a little (and the beach was fun too ;) )
I brought home a nasty head cold, which kind hindered His plans for a few days (my ass was in for a LOT of work...)
Last night, he came home late from work after the minor monsters were in bed. And right away started asking me if I felt better "enough". Truthfully I didn't. I wanted to wait one more day. He did not tell me this until later, but He was starting to get sick, and felt last night might be our best meeting point of both being kinda sick. lol So He is trying to convince me to agree that I am up for fun, it did not help that He had worn a tie to work yesterday... It is rare He does, but I love it when it happens ;) The tie came off, went around my neck, and did a goo job "encouraging" me to follow Him to our room. Where my shirt was pulled up and used to restrain my hands and arms behind my head, my shorts were long gone, and I was sick remember? I was going for comfort, no underwear necessary. Within minutes I was ready to say fuck the cold, but I was worried I would not have enough energy to keep up with him, so still held onto wanting to wait. He played dirty and knew it. A good OTK spanking and I could resist no more. Like I said it was   a GOOD one, I thought for sure I'd have a hard time sitting today!
Now I am convinced I get tied to our walls  (I need to get a pic of this, I don't think readers see the positioning correctly) We ordered a BDSM "kit" online, that had just come in. We knew most of it was not gonna be quality stuff, but the cuffs looked good and reviews were good and they are all we really wanted, so we ordered it. The cuffs are good quality, fit ok, and are much better on my wrists then the ropes. He began playing with the rest of the toys in the kit. A blindfold, nothin special. A flogger, that has more sting to it then our old one, but maybe also related to the point I will make in a few minutes. But this one did actually leave some marks. The ball gag strap did not go small enough to fit around my head, and the nipple clamps were way too weak to really even feel. So getting frustrated with all this junk stuff (good thing we didn't really want it all anyway an don't feel we paid too much for it) He grabs his clothespins and lock... yeah those still hurt like hell, but are less... OMFG... coming off.
He then decided to try the weak clamps down south, figuring they were good ones to try it with. NOT. The 1st was on an outer lip, that one was bad fucking enough, the 2nd I assume based on how it felt was on my clit, but honestly was probably my hood. The two rubbed and pulled each other, my nipples were long forgotten. Even more flogging didn't distract from those two evily little things. I had to ask for them to come off. I didn't have it in me. Though I tried. And those coming off was even more OMFGFGFGF then nipple clamps any day. OUCH!!! But as soon as blood calmly flowed through again, my nipples started screaming at me. And I said I just wasn't up for them either. He obliged and removed them too. I really really want to be allowed to orgasm when tried up like this, I love it when he bends me over and fucks me from behind. He knows this and probably what He planned for the rest of the night since I screwed all the other play up. But... as the title of this post indicates, I was being a big wuss. The slip knots in the rings holding my arms had slipped a little so I was hanging over the edge of our bed, my chest hitting the foot board and my shins hitting the cedar chest... So we moved to the bed and very vanilla-y finished up. I blame the cold. Usually I have a higher pain tolerance. Maybe cause I was tired, cranky, and already sore and achy all over. I just wasn't up for anything last night. Though Sir was right, now he is sick and went to bed right after dinner, about 7pm... So playtime will have to wait at least a few more days :( At least all this pent up frustration should make for a pretty fantastic night when we are both feeling better right?     
And ps... my ass was fine today! I have taken way more then what I got last night before an enjoyed it! lol what a wuss!

New Rule

    I have a new rule... I am AWFUL I mean really really bad about drinking water. I'm pretty much always some what dehydrated. Not only is it a big health concern, and contributing to me not being able to flatten my tummy as much as I want, I get headaches from not drinking enough, often and I have trouble being "wet" and keeping my mouth moistened. You would think with all these reasons I would be able to increase the water I drink on my own. But they weren't.

Sir jokingly said it was you going to be a rule. I, in all seriousness, said that was a good idea,  otherwise it won't happen. I just don't like water. And I refuse to use fake sugars, so I drink coffee - lots of it, Gatorade and an occasional soda. 

During dinner last night Sir decided that it was officially a rule. And wanted me to drink all 6 of my glasses (a little over half your weight in pounds, switched to ounces is the recommended daily consumption) by bedtime. Grrr. 

I was so full of water I was sloshing! 

Though its a good rule and one I will do my best to not break, last night He didnt want to make it easy, only giving me a couple hours. Yeah I probably could have just chugged the 60 oz all at once, but I didn't. I drank 5 glasses, plus the ice, and several of the glasses He finished and told me I had to start them over. He was having fun, making it hard on me. At one am I was told it was too late. It was after midnight (I was not given that information, but was not going to argue) 

I was punished with a strainer spoon, one He definitely seems to like, I do not at all. 

I yellow safe worded it, He wanted me to take a little more. I got two more. That was fine. But I do think I will talk to Him about giving me a number. I think if there is an end in sight I could be ok with more...

I was also told to perform oral while He laid on his back, I like it this way a lot less, but He likes easy access to spank me. However, unintentionally I figured out how to deep throat Him! Still need to practice it more, but I didn't gag too terribly much. He LOVED that. Even though I can't get into the task as much in that position, I was so happy that He was proud of me for doing as much of it as I did! So that made the position better for me. ;)

My biggest lesson learned last night was to ask for clarification, not assume. While He was fucking me, I was working hard at controlling the orgasm that was desperately trying to take over, I was told I could not cum yet. Later, I heard Him say something but I was not sure if it was "I want you to cum" or "I don't want you to cum" (I still have two punishments coming to me) so I assumed it was "I don't want you to cum")
He was thrusting harder and faster, so I knew He was close.  I should have asked what He said, but I didn't. And I didn't cum either.... After He had His, we laid down and I asked what He said.... It was "I want you to cum." Damn-it!
I can deal with orgasm denial when it is what He wants, when it serves His purpose. But I'm a little upset with myself A for not giving Him my orgasm He wanted and B for inflicting the sexual frustration on myself. 

Spank Lab!

Last night was a very fun night (though I paid for it today!)
Early afternoon yesterday, I was in the kitchen baking cookies for a bbq at friends later that night. Sir came in and stole a piece of dough I had already rolled into a ball. My OCD kicked in that now my pan would not be even. I yelled at Him but continued transferring baked cookies to the wire rack with my spatula. He, in no way being nice, offered to even them up and took another ball of dough!! I started trying to smack his hand away with the spatula... DAMNIT. It gave Him idea's... He easily took the spatula from me and landed a hard smack on my ass. Which He decided He liked. Annnd made Him look for other good "implements" in the kitchen and around the house. He discovered a wooden spoon, a strainer spoon, the other kind of spatulas, a belt, the stem of a silk flower, & paint stirrers (plural, one at a time was not enough, He liked 3 stacked together...)
That night he set up a little Lab Day for us. Told me to pick 3 of the items from the kitchen. That was a little hard to do... There was only 4 items. As the sturdiest was the strainer spoon, I left that one out. Blindfolded, arms tied to the wall, bare ass out, He tried each one out. Tested their accuracy, the mark they left, and my reaction. He also used the flower once, and the strainer spoon once, and the paint stirrers once. My chosen 3, the flogger and His hand, all got plenty of use.

• The Flogger: Ehhh. It is an enjoyable foreplay. Every now and then, with the right flick of the wrist, in choice locations (nipples) it might sting a little. But mostly It's barely more then a tickle. 
• The Spatula - A (or turner, the kind you flip pancakes with): Just the right amount of good pain, still fun, or funishment actually. Yet still leaves a sting that sticks around.
• The Spatula - B (The kind you scrape a bowl with): Mostly funishment, kinda a dull thunk, but I am not sure which side he used??
• The Wooden Spoon: Very nice slapping sound, but it is apparently hard to control accuracy. It is too thin handled and spins mid swing. It's painful though. Punishment.
• The Strainer Spoon: OUCH!!! Like I said, it's sturdy and has a good amount of oomf behind it. I got one clothed, that was enough to tell me it was punishment, but I got 3 bare assed later, probably because I didn't pick it, but He wanted to try it. Yeah, it's punishment. 
• The Silk Flower (Stem of): I imagine this is close to a switch. Very quiet, but some what painful. I only got one, and it was enough to know this is a punishment implement.
• The Paint Stirrers: He was right, one does nothing, good or bad, three put together give them a more satisfying thwack and a little sting to my bottom. I'd rate it as funishment though, even with 3. 
• Bare Hand: This is my favorite. I honestly CRAVE it. I love being turned over his knee and spanked HARD. OTK or not, it relaxes me. I can't explain it better, but I feel so good after being spanked bare handed. And I love the reminder of it the next day ;) This is probably always going to be funishment, no matter how hard he hits. I, to be honest, am already addicted to it like a drug. I am still a little high off the very good OTK (chest more accurately) spanking we ended with last night. ;)

                     

Failures and achievements

I thought I was going to get a little bit of a break for the next few days, Sir does not get along well with Aunt Flo, so he avoids her. She came for a visit yesterday. We refer to this time as me being "broken". He did however allow a modified panties only for sleep when I am broken.
He jokingly said He was going to make it a rule that I was not allowed to be broken. I told Him I was gonna be getting a lot of punishments for that rule....

With the no clothes rule in bed I am cold when I 1st lay down, so I cuddle to warm up. Cuddling a naked submissive must be frustrating... After a few minutes I was told to give Him a blow job and that if  I got Him to cum, I didn't have to wear nipple clamps for an hour tomorrow... (little back story, in 12yrs together I have never been able to bring Him to orgasm orally. This would probably hurt my pride more then it does, but that no girl before me achieved that either.)
I have made this task a personal goal anyway, so I got to work. I tried every trick I have read, every suggestion he made, fast, slow, deep, shallow, everything I know of.... And I probably would have kept trying had He not stopped me after what felt like forever. But He did. Pulling me up to him and kissing me before slamming His hand onto my ass. I failed. It sucked! (or didn't suck apparently) 
I'm discovering I truly enjoy even punishment spankings so far, so this caused me to start wiggling my hips and gyrating against Him. I was told that if I continued to do that He was going to fuck me in the ass. This is NOT something I enjoy, especially when I can't even have a distraction on my clit. So I tried, did my best to hold still. While He kept spanking and kissing, and sucking on my nipples... My body was not listening to me. It kept wiggling. Damnit.

I was pushed down on all fours, lubbed up and fingered there, then I kept trying to get my body to relax as He was slowly entering me, but it hurt too much. But my Dom is a smart man who already knows what I need so well. Started slapping my ass really really hard. That hurt worse, but I loved it. It provided just what I needed to loosen up and let Him in! No alcohol, no 15 prior orgasms, no clitoral stimulation, just a hard spanking. And He was able to really start fucking my ass. And even more surprising, once He was in and moving, I even started to enjoyed it!! Getting this far has happened very very few times, and it has always taken a lot more factors to help. This time it worked well enough that He was able to finish there, I didn't have to stop Him ;) 
So tonight I am celebrating my accomplishment there, but depressed about my previous fail. And my poor still sore nipples are not looking forward to their punishment tomorrow :/ I know what I will be doing for the day (besides another task I was given)... More tips and tricks research on giving good head!!!!


Ps. I really don't know how long I will keep posting most (not all) of what we do, but right now I feel like this is helping me sort out the feelings I have, so I will keep doing it for myself :) 
If others enjoy reading it, awesome. If it helps someone else that is turning a vanilla marriage into a BDSM one they can enjoy, I would be ecstatic :)

Communication is key...

I am having a hard time writing this post, and it's because I was being stupid.

I told myself I needed to punish myself because I was still trying to grasp control and not trusting Sir. I thought, I will tell him and let him decide on his own punishment for me, but I will punish myself each time I start to slip. (that's why this is hard to write, I realize now, that I was still doing What I was telling myself I had to stop doing) but I think Sir handled it well. 

As my "self inflicted" punishment. I decided on nipple clamps for five hours. When sir got off work an hour after starting this. I told him everything. But that I thought I would not make the entire 5hrs as I didn't realize how severe that was going to be. He told me I either made it my 5 hrs or He put them "somewhere else" for 5hrs.... Effectively taking control away from me. 

I made it to 4hrs with him periodically toying with them, at 4hrs I almost lost it when a little hand accidentally grabbed each of them.... But I was not about to endure them where Sir had in mind, so I kept fighting through the pain. Finally the grabby hands were in bed, and I had 30 min left.... Sir wanted to play. I knew they were not coming off in 30min. 

I prepared myself for Him the way he likes, and was waiting when the alarm I set on my phone went off. I turned the alarm off, and continued to wait. 

A few min later I was again bound to the hooks in the wall, and tortured for information I didn't want to give. I caved and gave part of the information, and would have given it all but I honestly could not remember the other half of the answer he wanted. That did not go well for me. 

After more teasing and punishing, I was led to the bed, head hanging off, face stufed with balls and cock, and tortured more. Of course I did not deserve the clamps taken off yet... But at this point other body parts hurt worse then my nipples, and I was too distracted to care about them... So that is when he chose to remove them. HOLY FUCK!!!!!!!!!! That was intense. 

After calming down from that experience, I was brought to the edge of my orgasm several times, but never allowed to cum. 

I was upset. I was proud of myself for keeping the clamps on so long, and for doing better controlling my orgasm when I was told I could not have it. But Sir did not feel I deserved it yet. He came all over my chest and left me wanting....

This is where things went really really right. Even if others wont see it that way. It was exactly what I needed. We sat down and talked. About everything. For once I was not writing confused messages, notes or blog posts, trying to figure out what I wanted to say, I was able to just say it. And he was finally opening up about where he was at with everything as well. I wanted to tie him to a chair and never let him move, since he was finally talking. We didn't talk as Dom/sub, but as husband and wife. And we didn't talk only about BDSM, we did talk a lot about that,  but we talked about a lot of other things too. I'm not sure how long but maybe 2/3hrs we sat there. I was so happy about it. I feel insanely better. I finally did actually let go of the control.

Everything that was decided/discussed is not really relevant to the blog, but the things that are, I will share:
 I have a better idea of what he wants from this, so don't feel I have to guess. 

He does not want the 24/7 dynamic. He wants an equal partner sometimes. I can't say I disagree ;) 

But I would like it to be a little more then only in the bedroom, so we decided anything sexual anytime of day is His control & after the minor monsters are in bed for then night, He is in charge 100%. We have very few hard limits, and basically all our limits/likes/dislikes are the same, for now. Mostly because we have not tried much. So are open to it, until we can make a better decision. 
I do have a few rules now, but He wants to be careful of our relationship, and go slowly, so nothing too crazy yet.

After finally deciding it was really late and we needed to go to sleep, I hinted I was not quite ready to sleep yet... He said if gave him a good enough blow job, He would fuck me and let me finish... Yeah I sucked that penis with everything in me, and earned my reward ;)
***His

The 1st ouch

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