Meaning what does the dynamic you have or want look like. That's a question I've never been able to answer. I am not sure what I want our "end result" to look like. What I want out goal dynamic to be. Even in the beginning things I thought I would never want, I now do want. Things I thought I did want I don't. I just can't put it into words what I do want. I know I want Sir to to have control of our dynamic and where we go with it. But I am pretty sure I want more then He does. He wants the sex part only. To be honest, I think I want more, but I also know I will fight that sub consciously.
So I am sticking to "at the moment" what I want right now.
I am confused by my own actions last night and between this topic already being on my mind and last night, I am thinking that what I want in right this moment, is for Him to tell me what WE want. I want Him to take charge and have BOTH of our wants/needs in the front of his mind. He does great at this, a lot of the time. Giving me exactly what I need at the right time, sometimes even at the cost of what He wants. Maybe what I want is for Him to be the one with the goal and the plan to get us there.
Last night He wanted a blow job, right after watching a show on tv.
I balked at it, I am not sure why. My theories however, are
A. I was not "in the mood" which would be my issue, not His. I need to remember to suck it up and get into it anyway. Which after a few minutes I would be in the mood and happy I was doing it...
B. I might have just been testing Him. To see what He would do if I did say No. He did tell me He still wants me to have opinions and let Him in on them. (Which is why I believe He didn't push, and make me do it)
C. I am still a little sick and Bj's are really rough on me atm, I have a hard time breathing and my throat is already pretty sore. I was wishing last night He had thought of that and started play another way. Had I been sure that yes He realized how giving head affected me at the moment, and still wanted it, then I feel like I would have done it without argument. Why is that!? I'm not sure. I am ok with Him intentionally making me uncomfortable but not unintentionally. Which is what I think was happening last night.
Maybe I am wrong though. Maybe He did know and was wanting it despite the discomfort it would cause. I do seen to have an issue trusting Him to know what He is doing. Probably because I'm never let in on His thoughts/plans. He does put some thought into what He does with me, and tests my will power, strength, and boundaries. He just does not let me in on those unless I ask the specific questions. I wish I knew if that was also intentional or not....
This probably sounds like a jumbled mess to anyone reading. But it did help me.
I am starting to get a clearer picture of "what it looks like" now and what I may want it to look like in the future. And I have reminded myself to trust Him, and to voice my concerns when I have them.
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