We have been playing a little still and trying to work out where D/s fits into our lives, but less so then before our vacation. It's been one thing or another since we returned home...
I have been trying to absorb as much info as I possibly can in our downtime, and learning a LOT.
KD (this is my Sir, my Husband, my Love. For ease of flow between this blog and a particular group, I am referring to Him as KD instead of Sir, unless He would prefer to remain Sir in the blog? Please let me know.)
KD on the other hand, has seemed less interested in the research, and letting me do the leg work. Like I said though life was kinda treating us like shit for a few weeks so He had a bit more then normal on his plate.
A little back story before I start: I have always been a pretty stubborn person about something's. It always felt like a source of pride KD had had in me. He told everyone about me being stubborn and never being willing to give in, even at the detriment to my health. His "bragging" to friends about it, made me feel good, like He was proud of my stubbornness. He would SAY I should be less stubborn and tease me for it often, but I listened to His actions and believed He didn't really want me to work on this flaw.
In my "research" I came across a kinky "romance" novel, that had some pretty controversial feelings about it. I decided to make my own decision and read the book. KD and I discussed an aspect of the book after reading it, trying to explain how I would like Him to Be more mentally Dominant as well as physically. The Hero of the story is trying to "fix" a flaw in the submissive heroine.
Fast forward to finally being in a place we can "play" tonight, and this is how things went:
I was told to "get ready" in under 5min. (All those who have ever worn a corset and a garter belt with stockings, know that those things alone take at least 5min each) right away I knew I would fail, and be "punished". I still rushed as quickly as I could, but knew I would fail. It excited me. It had been too long. Normally if I'm set up for failure, it is because He is in a "funishment" mood or He knows I am craving it myself. I was very much craving a good spanking tonight.
I went 8min over my allotted time (seriously 13min for hair, make up, a quick shave, and all the trappings listed above plus music/earbuds and blindfold, I impressed myself!!)
I was attached to the eye bolts in each side of our bedroom, by wrists with cuffs and rope. He attached His clothespin/padlock torture device to my nipples, putting the connecting cord in my mouth to bite.
I was lightly flogged for the 1st mistake, going over time, and for not wearing some form of heels (my vain decision- this outfit is all black, and my good black heels broke last time I wore them to play, and I have not picked a new pair yet) I was nicely warmed up by now, so KD brought up another infraction from a few days prior which suggested 40 spankings... These were administered with a flexible leather paddle and I was told to count them.
After this my ass was on fire, but I didn't miss a single one and I still had the pad lock cord clamped tightly between my teeth, and I was seriously turned on.
KD then tells me, that He is a little sad that I have never dropped the cord for His torture device (in my head I think "ya and I NEVER ever will!!"). He informed me that He would continue spanking me until I dropped it. My 1st thought was "oh fuck, can I handle this?" Next was "yes, He can't go at my ass all night, and chances are high it won't take as long as He expects to draw blood." Knowing that this is a limit we both agreed to at the start, before we knew that drawing blood on your ass does not take as much as we would have thought. I thought I would for sure win this round. He continues with the paddle, some hard and spread out, some harder and quickly together in a repeated spot. They hurt, but I was handling them just fine. He bent me over at the waist, and moved on to really really hard bare handed spanking. This was a bit worse as He was putting more muscle into it, I was starting to question if I could keep doing it, but still telling myself that yes I could. He switched between the paddle and His hand a couple times, tried staying to one side and close to one spot, yet I was still not letting go. Still questioning if I could, and giving myself a yes, I could. He thought maybe a change in implement would help.
In "spanking lab" I talked about the day we tried several household objects to see what "worked" one object was a long stemmed silk rose. So plastic faux thorny outside, wire inside. I was completely fine with this as an implement on spank lab day. However I think I only got one swat with it, and did not have too sore of a bottom before it either. I approved it.
He grabbed it, and swung. Holy jeebus that fucker hurt. The next one hit the other side and I was almost realizing I could not take much of that. By the 5th or 6th one, it was unbearable.
I said "I can't" and dropped the cord. This was all pretty intense and happened in a very short time. The clothes pins popped off - torture itself, and fucking shit my ass hurt. KD asked if I was ok, and I lost it. There was such a rush of disappointment in myself, for what I believed was actually letting him down, and happiness that the whipping stopped. I don't know why really, the intensity rush is what I believe is the culprit, but as soon as the words "are you ok?" Came out of his mouth and he gently touched my back, it all rushed out of my head (yes out of is how best to describe it) and I was bawling. KD quickly released my arms, and I took some deep breaths, wiped my eyes and pulled myself together, (already thinking fuck, now I'm not gonna get laid, He is going to stop.)
I quickly tried reassuring Him I was OK. But my tense, shaking body was less then convincing for Him. He suggested a cigarette and I quickly jumped on that, thinking I could calm myself down and try to figure out how to explain to Him what just happened. Then we could head back to the bedroom.
We talked while we smoked and I tried to explain the overwhelming rush that hit me. And that part of it was that I gave in, so He would not be proud of my stubbornness anymore. (Turns out, that while yes He likes a little stubbornness in me, He actually thought I was a little crazy with how far I would go and not give up. And btw in all this I am referring to physical stubbornness. Such as never "tapping out" basically.)
I could not however explain, that in my head, all of what just happened was a good thing. We learned a little about the other, I got exactly what I asked for and needed, the spanking obviously and the more mental side of D/s. I don't know where the tears came from, but I kind liked the rush itself. I just really wish it had not made me cry. He feels terrible. And it does not help that while using the flower, little to no marks were being made, but shortly after dark purple slash marks showed up, making my ass look much worse then it feels.
I want to convince Him that I am fine. That we are learning, and experimenting. Now we know that wire silk flower stems are for the really bad transgressions. Lol and I think tears are bound to fall, I accept them and am ok with them. I will call red when I am not ok. I promise.
{To my husband when you read this, I don't want you to ever feel bad, or not to like how things make you feel. I'm the one who does, and should, feel bad. I'm sorry I didn't drop the damn thing before my stubbornness got me to the point it did. I will be much more careful to communicate with you that things are getting to the "overwhelming" stage before they actually are there, and hopefully never cry AFTER a punishment again. I love you}
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