Finding my own answer

It was asked in a group on fetlife the other day "what does it look like"

Meaning what does the dynamic you have or want look like. That's a question I've never been able to answer. I am not sure what I want our "end result" to look like. What I want out goal dynamic to be. Even in the beginning things I thought I would never want, I now do want. Things I thought I did want I don't. I just can't put it into words what I do want. I know I want Sir to to have control of our dynamic and where we go with it. But I am pretty sure I want more then He does. He wants the sex part only. To be honest, I think I want more, but I also know I will fight that sub consciously. 

So I am sticking to "at the moment" what I want right now. 

I am confused by my own actions last night and between this topic already being on my mind and last night, I am thinking that what I want in right this moment, is for Him to tell me what WE want. I want Him to take charge and have BOTH of our wants/needs in the front of his mind. He does great at this, a lot of the time. Giving me exactly what I need at the right time, sometimes even at the cost of what He wants. Maybe what I want is for Him to be the one with the goal and the plan to get us there. 

Last night He wanted a blow job, right after watching a show on tv. 

I balked at it, I am not sure why. My theories however, are 

A. I was not "in the mood" which would be my issue, not His. I need to remember to suck it up and get into it anyway. Which after a few minutes I would be in the mood and happy I was doing it... 

B. I might have just been testing Him. To see what He would do if I did say No. He did tell me He still wants me to have opinions and let Him in on them. (Which is why I believe He didn't push, and make me do it)

 C. I am still a little sick and Bj's are really rough on me atm, I have a hard time breathing and my throat is already pretty sore. I was wishing last night He had thought of that and started play another way. Had I been sure that yes He realized how giving head affected me at the moment, and still wanted it, then I feel like I would have done it without argument. Why is that!? I'm not sure. I am ok with Him intentionally making me uncomfortable but not unintentionally. Which is what I think was happening last night. 

Maybe I am wrong though. Maybe He did know and was wanting it despite the discomfort it would cause. I do seen to have an issue trusting Him to know what He is doing. Probably because I'm never let in on His thoughts/plans. He does put some thought into what He does with me, and tests my will power, strength, and boundaries. He just does not let me in on those unless I ask the specific questions. I wish I knew if that was also intentional or not....

This probably sounds like a jumbled mess to anyone reading. But it did help me. 

I am starting to get a clearer picture of "what it looks like" now and what I may want it to look like in the future. And I have reminded myself to trust Him, and to voice my concerns when I have them. 

What a WUSS!

Sorry it has been a few weeks since a new post came out, our lives have been getting in the way of our play time. Sir is still "warming up" to His role and gets more and more comfortable with it every day, but there has not been too much going on that anyone might wanna read about ;)

I'm gonna pre req this by going back to before we left for vacation, Sir was waiting on me to "get ready" for him one night an apparently I gave him too much time near my craft table. He fashioned a fun toy out of 2 clothespins, some thin rope and a heavy pad lock in the center for weight. Plus a line of rope to be clenched in between my teeth. He attached the pins to my nipples and tied his damndest to make me drop the rope i was biting. But I am a jaw clencher, so I won my 1st round of light predicament bondage. (and will probably regret that brag!) But I am game for more!

Our vacation was a bit too full of, people, to have much to write about, but Sir found stolen moments on long, or short, drives to torture me a bit, and push my exhibitionist side out of hiding a little (and the beach was fun too ;) )
I brought home a nasty head cold, which kind hindered His plans for a few days (my ass was in for a LOT of work...)
Last night, he came home late from work after the minor monsters were in bed. And right away started asking me if I felt better "enough". Truthfully I didn't. I wanted to wait one more day. He did not tell me this until later, but He was starting to get sick, and felt last night might be our best meeting point of both being kinda sick. lol So He is trying to convince me to agree that I am up for fun, it did not help that He had worn a tie to work yesterday... It is rare He does, but I love it when it happens ;) The tie came off, went around my neck, and did a goo job "encouraging" me to follow Him to our room. Where my shirt was pulled up and used to restrain my hands and arms behind my head, my shorts were long gone, and I was sick remember? I was going for comfort, no underwear necessary. Within minutes I was ready to say fuck the cold, but I was worried I would not have enough energy to keep up with him, so still held onto wanting to wait. He played dirty and knew it. A good OTK spanking and I could resist no more. Like I said it was   a GOOD one, I thought for sure I'd have a hard time sitting today!
Now I am convinced I get tied to our walls  (I need to get a pic of this, I don't think readers see the positioning correctly) We ordered a BDSM "kit" online, that had just come in. We knew most of it was not gonna be quality stuff, but the cuffs looked good and reviews were good and they are all we really wanted, so we ordered it. The cuffs are good quality, fit ok, and are much better on my wrists then the ropes. He began playing with the rest of the toys in the kit. A blindfold, nothin special. A flogger, that has more sting to it then our old one, but maybe also related to the point I will make in a few minutes. But this one did actually leave some marks. The ball gag strap did not go small enough to fit around my head, and the nipple clamps were way too weak to really even feel. So getting frustrated with all this junk stuff (good thing we didn't really want it all anyway an don't feel we paid too much for it) He grabs his clothespins and lock... yeah those still hurt like hell, but are less... OMFG... coming off.
He then decided to try the weak clamps down south, figuring they were good ones to try it with. NOT. The 1st was on an outer lip, that one was bad fucking enough, the 2nd I assume based on how it felt was on my clit, but honestly was probably my hood. The two rubbed and pulled each other, my nipples were long forgotten. Even more flogging didn't distract from those two evily little things. I had to ask for them to come off. I didn't have it in me. Though I tried. And those coming off was even more OMFGFGFGF then nipple clamps any day. OUCH!!! But as soon as blood calmly flowed through again, my nipples started screaming at me. And I said I just wasn't up for them either. He obliged and removed them too. I really really want to be allowed to orgasm when tried up like this, I love it when he bends me over and fucks me from behind. He knows this and probably what He planned for the rest of the night since I screwed all the other play up. But... as the title of this post indicates, I was being a big wuss. The slip knots in the rings holding my arms had slipped a little so I was hanging over the edge of our bed, my chest hitting the foot board and my shins hitting the cedar chest... So we moved to the bed and very vanilla-y finished up. I blame the cold. Usually I have a higher pain tolerance. Maybe cause I was tired, cranky, and already sore and achy all over. I just wasn't up for anything last night. Though Sir was right, now he is sick and went to bed right after dinner, about 7pm... So playtime will have to wait at least a few more days :( At least all this pent up frustration should make for a pretty fantastic night when we are both feeling better right?     
And ps... my ass was fine today! I have taken way more then what I got last night before an enjoyed it! lol what a wuss!