How it started...

Here is my background of why I am trying to figure out if this is the right place for me. 

Starting way back as a child. I played "house" by myself often. I usually played Laura from little house on the prairie. Papa was always got mad at me, he would send me to the whipping room, I would have to lift my "skirts" remove my underwear bend over and wait for him to come punish me. He would come, very calmly say, you know what you did wrong, you know what the punishment will be. Then "he" would use a long thin stick I had found to whip me with it. Sometimes if the whip was not to his liking I would double my punishment and have to go find a better one. I don't know why Papa never kept the ones from previous punishments..... 

I would whip myself with that stick until I could not walk. I was still young enough to not realize I could keep going with this. I would pull my skirts down and continue with my "chores".

Fast forward a year or two and I am discovering masturbation and sex. I found a screw driver handle worked best as I could not go out and buy a dildo. At the time I was not too impressed with fingering myself. I would read my dads porn mags of a woman eating oreo's in bed to intentionally upset her husband, she told him she was a naughty girl, and asked what he was going to do about it? He turned her over his knee and used a hair brush to spank her. Then he used the handle to see she was dripping wet, fucked her with it for a bit, then really fucked her. After they had finished, he asked her if she had learned her lesson? She replied with a meek yes sir, but all the readers knew there was a twinkle in her eye, and she of course would do this again. I loved that story. It triggered many of my masturbation fantasies.
I am not sure WHY I did this, but I also enjoyed pouring hot was on myself, breast, stomach & pussy. Have not done it since a teenager, but would like to again.

Now lets really fast forward to Sir and I, our sex life has always been great for me. I cum easily, & he is very well endowed. (This is where things are going to get hard for me to pretend he is not going to read this, so I can get it out there...)

However, he find what works and repeats it over and over. I can't tell you how many years most of our sex started with him feel'in  me up, for a couple minutes, I'd ride him until I came two or even three times, then when I had no more energy, we would switch to doggy style and he would finish. As I said before I am shy voicing what I want from sex, and my husband has very little experience before me with sex, I am not sure anyone ever really showed him the things he could do to a female body besides blow jobs and basic fucking. Slowly I was able to add a little variety, one way was telling him no repeatedly because it got him to almost force me, and I liked that game. But I still had my D/s fantasies.

I liked to imagine I had a hot older sister with a hot older boyfriend.  I lied to them and said I was sick so they would leave me home alone. But my worried older sister would send the boyfriend back to check on me, and catch me watching his porn. He would yell at me for lying, for touching his things. Then he would say if I was old enough to want to watch this, I was old enough to take a real one. He would tell me if I didn't he would tell my sister the truth. He was hot and in my fantasy I was a curious virgin. He tied me up, made me suck his cock and tortured me sexually, before fucking the shit out of me in a variety of interesting angles.
Another VERY recurring fantasy, started him Sir taking me to an Adult resort. Where sex in common area's was... common. Where couples looking for a third went... I would say something mean, or do something to anger him, so as punishment, he would take me to the pool area, announce to everyone that I was a bad girl. Then he would blindfold me, lead me to a pool table, bend me over it and offer my ass to anyone wanting to teach me a lesson. Plenty of people took him up on that. Spanking me as hard as they could, calling me a dirty slut, a naughty cock tease... I had tears running down my face, but I was so so so WET! Then Sir would have his turn. He tied up my hands held onto my hair and fucked me while spanking my sore ass. Afterwards sometimes we would go back to our room, he would rub aloe vera on my ass. And tell me I was his good girl for taking my punishment. Other times he would cuddle me in his lap in the pool area and ask who I wanted to join us that night. Sometimes it would be a girl, sometimes a guy. We chose together.

So I am keeping my fantasies private, but dying for a way to tell Sir about them.
I read 50 shades of grey... this really strikes up my desire, and shows me that you can have fun with this without going too far into the BDSM world. I am still unsure how far I want to go. Several months after reading it, I finally work up the nerve to tell Sir. I am now realizing how lucky I am that he was interested. We did a SMALL amount of research into it, and played out a single "scene" : He told me what to put on, how to do my hair and make up, said if we were doing it, we were doing it right. That comment turned me on like no other. I followed all his instructions, let him know I was ready, wearing a robe over my lingerie, we went outside to smoke after the hour it had taken to get ready. He undid the sash and started playing with my nipples and sucking on them, in our apartment complex's courtyard. He has them completely exposed and starts sucking on them. I start to argue it, he reminded me of my place. After going inside, he told me to do a strip tease for him, I did to the best of my abilities, leaving just my garter belt, thigh highs and heels on. He laid me on the bed on my back with my head hanging off the side. He teased me with a flogger, which was nice but I was beyond it doing much good, especially since neither of us have much idea of what to do with it exactly. We got bored of that and he told me to give him a blow job. I opened my mouth and began sucking right away. Sometimes he would take his cock away from me, then a few minutes later put it back in my mouth. I was thinking it would have been perfect had he told me to keep my mouth open at all times while in this position. But I read that telling him he was dominating me wrong... was counter effective. So I held my tongue, or his penis rather. He told me not to cum, while stimulating me with a toy. I was not able to last long. He asked if I came, and I truthfully told him yes. He sat on the bed and pulled me over his knees and spanked me. Biggest turn on of my life. I almost came again. He then rolled me to my stomach on the edge of the bed and pulled my knees up, and drove his penis into me. He fucked me hard, it took everything in me not to cum. I was so turned on. He laid down on the bed next to me, and told me to ride him. I complied very nervously. I cum very easy this way. I tried, really really tried, but I came again. But he did not punish me for it this time, just said "did you forget to ask permission?" I replied with yes, though it was more of an inability to stop it then forgetting. To date this has been my favorite sex act between us.
We have tried D/s sex again almost every time since but are running into some dynamics problems. After that time, he never enforced me calling him sir, he has not put me over his knee and he just isn't demanding or vocal of what he wants from me. I worried he did not like this. So did not push it. After a few more months, I worked up the nerve to bring the topic back up by email... and he told me he DOES enjoy this. He just feels bad knowing that there are some things I wont like that he wants from me. I am trying to convince him that is this role, I will like it. Even if I don't, I still want/need him to do it. I put myself in a different frame of mind when I am being his submissive. I want him to be a jerk about it. He can be sweet after. I want to make him happy. I just don't yet know what all will make him happy, and I am not sure he does either. 

So that's pretty much where we are. I have a small amount of more info on all this then he does, but for me to be able to submit to him, to give him complete power over me, I need him to learn more. But without me "topping from the bottom" or telling him he is doing it wrong and turning him off of this. That is one reason I will write exactly what comes to my mind. Even knowing he will read it. I want to explore where this could go for us.
My last post for this evening will be what we have so far established and what we need to make decisions on. I hope I can get some BDSM community reading this blog and offer me some insight and suggestions. How do I teach him to dominate me, while submitting to him?

***His